The last post I made was in February, about the fear that Waldo wouldn't fall. So many things happened in that time. I fell in love. He asked me to be his girlfriend, officially. We came face to face with our first huge issue - betrayal and lying (his). We made it through. He lost his job. I lost mine. He fell, finally. We went away together, after issues surrounding that. He got a new job. He started 2 days after we got back, after spending every day together for a few months. Communication reduced, made it hard for me. I missed him terribly, and the issues from the betrayal took front and center. I became more controlling. A few weeks of that happened. Instead of talking to me, he didn't say anything so I didn't know. Fast forward to today and it has been 11 days since he broke up with me after 2 weeks of thinking. It has been 4 days since we've spoken.
In 3 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of when we met. In 10 days it will the 1 year anniversary of our first date. This weekend is supposed to bring us a "Frankenstorm" - a hurricane with some winter weather. Last year, it snowed the day after we met.
I am feeling so many things. Loss; heartache; sadness; hurt; grief. And even though I'm trying not to, I'm feeling hope, too. That this isn't the end. When we exchanged things he said he hoped it wasn't the end. That it was all too fresh, that it was too hard for him to see past all the recent things...but that he wouldn't be opposed to trying one day in the future. That he was closing the door now, because it wasn't supposed to be that way, but that he wanted to leave the window open.
I don't know if he meant it. I don't know anything anymore except that I love him more than I ever knew was possible, and I can't give up without trying. I'm doing thirty days of no contact - to work on myself, to examine everything, to figure out what to do. To rebuild my life. He was my best friend. Our lives were so combined it is hard to know where to start. But I will. No matter how hard things were, it was beautiful. It was right. It got hard at the end - I went on a bad path, and he didn't know how to communicate that with me. Or didn't want to. Who knows. Like I said, all I know is that I love him more than I ever knew was possible, so I can't give up on this. Not yet. Just like he said 'not yet' about trying...I can't give up yet. I will take time for myself, and give him time for himself. And then I will try. Because this is worth it. God knows we're worth it.
Jason Mraz's song became one of our anthems this year: "I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up."
I'm still looking up.
