On Looking Up

The last post I made was in February, about the fear that Waldo wouldn't fall. So many things happened in that time. I fell in love. He asked me to be his girlfriend, officially. We came face to face with our first huge issue - betrayal and lying (his). We made it through. He lost his job. I lost mine. He fell, finally. We went away together, after issues surrounding that. He got a new job. He started 2 days after we got back, after spending every day together for a few months. Communication reduced, made it hard for me. I missed him terribly, and the issues from the betrayal took front and center. I became more controlling. A few weeks of that happened. Instead of talking to me, he didn't say anything so I didn't know. Fast forward to today and it has been 11 days since he broke up with me after 2 weeks of thinking. It has been 4 days since we've spoken.

In 3 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of when we met. In 10 days it will the 1 year anniversary of our first date. This weekend is supposed to bring us a "Frankenstorm" - a hurricane with some winter weather. Last year, it snowed the day after we met.

I am feeling so many things. Loss; heartache; sadness; hurt; grief. And even though I'm trying not to, I'm feeling hope, too. That this isn't the end. When we exchanged things he said he hoped it wasn't the end. That it was all too fresh, that it was too hard for him to see past all the recent things...but that he wouldn't be opposed to trying one day in the future. That he was closing the door now, because it wasn't supposed to be that way, but that he wanted to leave the window open.

I don't know if he meant it. I don't know anything anymore except that I love him more than I ever knew was possible, and I can't give up without trying. I'm doing thirty days of no contact - to work on myself, to examine everything, to figure out what to do. To rebuild my life. He was my best friend. Our lives were so combined it is hard to know where to start. But I will. No matter how hard things were, it was beautiful. It was right. It got hard at the end - I went on a bad path, and he didn't know how to communicate that with me. Or didn't want to. Who knows. Like I said, all I know is that I love him more than I ever knew was possible, so I can't give up on this. Not yet. Just like he said 'not yet' about trying...I can't give up yet. I will take time for myself, and give him time for himself. And then I will try. Because this is worth it. God knows we're worth it.

Jason Mraz's song became one of our anthems this year: "I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up."

I'm still looking up.

The Fear He Won't Fall

This past weekend was unbelievably difficult for me. Waldo and I have been getting closer and I like him...a tremendous amount. I feel like I'm 16 saying that, but honestly, I feel like I'm 16 anyway, getting a new chance at life and love. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? But it's how I feel, so it is what it is. As an aside, this blog seems to be exclusively about this kid. Sigh! Oh well. It's kind of about the lessons I'm learning, too, though! So that's good.

Anyway, I had a mild panic attack on Thursday night because I was suddenly overcome with this overwhelming fear that he would never care about me the way I care about him, that I was out on this limb all by myself that was about to crack, and there was nothing I could do to get off it but fall and fall and fall, hitting all the other branches on the way down until I finally landed on the rocks far below. It's scary, honestly, feeling this way about someone - the fear they won't fall, it can be overwhelming. It's a risk everyone takes whenever they love someone, but that doesn't make it any less scary.

And I started to retreat - the fear of him not falling for me the way I've fallen for him led me to try to pull away to protect my heart. Which isn't good. A wonderful friend of mine convinced me to talk to him about it - to be a grown up. As terrifying as it was, I was able to put my big girl pants on and talk to him about it. We had this wonderful talk, and it turns out that he is on the same page as I am. He is so patient, and so kind, and so willing to listen. Part of the reason it was so scary for me to even talk to him about what was going on was because in the past, opening up about my feelings has just led to fights. Mr. Texas wasn't equipped to support me emotionally, and so opening up and trusting always backfired on me, badly. I was terrified the same thing would happen here - and it didn't. It was a tremendous experience for me - it's hard, but he's helping me learn that there ARE people who are equipped to give me the emotional support I need, who are equipped to listen and who WANT to listen.

Last week he told me he feels fortunate that I decided to buy him, of all the guys in the bar, a drink. I don't think he realizes how fortunate I feel that something told me to buy him a drink. And that I feel even more fortunate that he came to talk to me after I disappeared into the ether.

Barely breathing

I am breathless, breathlessly anticipating the future. I'm scared and don't know what to think or expect when it comes to Waldo, but I do know that I adore him, want to know what I can do to make his life easier, want to share fireflies and snow and magic with him, to spin and breathe and dance and hug and hold and laugh and curl together, hand in hand, forever and ever amen. I don't know how he feels, I don't know where he is when it comes to me, I don't know if that will ever be a possibility, I'm scared to death because of those things but I know I want it and there's something liberating about saying that.

On Life in Limbo

Limbo is a scary place to be, relationship-wise. Exclusive but not 'together'. Committed but not. Serious but not. Are we or aren't we? What ARE we?

I know in a way a lot of this limbo is probably a result of where I am in terms of the divorce. Who's going to commit to a woman who is technically still married, especially when you've only known her for a few months, you're still getting to know her, and you don't really know if she'll actually go through with the divorce? On top of figuring out how you feel and how much of a risk you're willing to take (which is hard enough as it is), something like that really complicates things. It's frustrating, in a way, because really I'd like to just be DONE with Mr. Texas, once and for all, cut all ties with him and just forget about that part of my life.

All that to say...things with Waldo are going well, I think. I enjoy his company, we're spending more and more time together. I've met his family, he's met my friends (aka my local family), I'm meeting his friends this weekend, and he's meeting my parents in a few weeks - as my date to my best friend's wedding. He's...so patient. And kind. And understanding. And funny. And as difficult as it can be for me to do because it's so scary, I'm actually able to open up to him and talk to him about things that frighten me or ask him for things that I'm terrified will scare him away. In a way I'm learning how to take ownership in my stake in a relationship, which is great - and what a great guy to learn with. He's been amazing in all respects - like the other morning when I panicked and asked for open communication about his (female) best friend, he readily agreed. Or like the other night when I was suddenly reminded of something awful Mr. Texas had said and I needed to take a minute to go and collect myself - unexpectedly, he came over to hold me and comfort me. Or like this weekend, when I opened up about really wishing he could show the same enthusiasm about me that he shows for one of his favorite actresses....he understood, and started to act on it. And continues to do so.

He is sweet, and wonderful, and tries. And I want to try for him, too. I want to be sweet and wonderful for him. He inspires me to be...trusting, and comfortable, and open. I want to do the same for him. So while we're in limbo, I want to learn how to do that for him. I want to build on what we have. The other night he told me that he wants to be sure what he's feeling is real. I want to make sure what I'm feeling is real, too, because it seems...it feels almost too easy. It's confusing and scary, for sure - but...it feels easy, too. Whenever I just SAY what's on my mind, it's incredibly easy.

In a way, though, I'm kind of glad for the divorce. As much as I'd like to just be done with Mr. Texas and have no more ties to him, I'm somewhat glad for this hurdle we have. It's like it's forcing things to go slowly, so we can both make sure this is real, so we can learn about one another, so I can learn about myself and what I need. So limbo...as frustrating as you are, I appreciate you. I really do. I have no idea where this is heading, I have no idea what's going to meet me on the other side of this, but I'm looking forward to it.

On Fear and Falling

One of things I'm learning to do in this process is to step back and breathe. I tend to get all up in arms about things, overthink them, let them get to me until I can hardly breathe and I can't see past my own, crazed thoughts. With the help of my therapist and my wonderful friends, I'm learning to recognize when I start doing that, and how to just...stop and be rational. Waldo is not Mr. Texas. He has done nothing to make me mistrust him. In fact, he has done quite the opposite. I can...trust. Just trust. I know that part of the reason I start overthinking things is because I got so, so used to never being able to trust anything Mr. Texas said or did. As someone who naturally overthinks things, the things he put me through trained me to jump to conclusions automatically (conclusions that were unfortunately always right, when it came to him). With Waldo...there is no need for that. And there is something about him that simply inspires me to work on this. I could fall back into the cycle and drive myself crazy, but I recognize that with him, it would drive him away. I don't want to drive him away. To the contrary, I want to keep him. And so, I work hard to make sure I approach this with a healthy, trusting attitude.

It's been an exercise in self control, certainly. Already I feel healthier for it, though. It's wonderful. Scary, but wonderful. Just like with any leap of faith. And that's all this is, right? A leap of faith into the unknown, trusting that the universe has great things in store for me. The greater the risk, the greater the reward, and while I'm terrified, I'm ready. I'm ready to fall. It's really scary, actually, because what I'm most afraid of is being hurt again - that he won't fall too. But...that's part of it, isn't it?

On growing pains

I had my fourth date with Waldo yesterday, and it was nothing short of amazing. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it was. We didn't do anything fancy - we'd planned a low-key movie marathon at my house - 2 of my favorites, 2 of his, and 1 we both liked. The time was spent curled up on the couch, limbs tangled up, laughing at stupid things in the movies (or, more often, our commentary as to the movies), kissing, listening to his heartbeat. We had this great energy, and it felt so, so good to laugh like that. It's been ages since I've laughed freely with someone like that.

So, I began today with this feeling of lightness, and I end it with a feeling of heaviness. A mutual friend learned that my soon-to-be-ex husband chose Nowhereseville, Texas (as opposed to a suburb nearby so 'we could work on our relationship') specifically because for months he'd been speaking to someone from his hometown who had moved out there, and they were going to shack up. I'm not crying over him anymore, thank god. But I'm...sad. It's re-opened the wound of the night he told me he'd been cheating on me, the night that put this all on fast-forward. I shouldn't be surprised; of course he was actually cheating on me. Everything else in our relationship was a lie; why wouldn't he be cheating on me, too? Because despite all he had with me - the successful, intelligent, funny, beautiful woman...it wasn't enough for him. I won't devolve into attacking him, but I will say this: he should seriously take a hard look at himself. Truly, karma will come back to haunt him, and then he will get everything he deserves.

But no matter. It's his loss, truly. Someone else's gain. And certainly my gain - because as much as it hurts, it's the good kind of hurt. I'm growing stronger, realizing my own self worth and realizing that I DID deserve better than him. I DO deserve better than him.

On looking back, and moving forward

I'm in my childhood home for the holidays until tomorrow and, as I tend to do when I'm home, I started looking through my old stuff in my childhood bedroom. I came across this beautiful, old French chocolates tin I bought at an antique shop in Red Bank with my former best friend.

When I opened it, it was filled with all the cards my first boyfriend ever gave me. I started reading them, and a lot of them were Christmas/Valentine's/birthday cards, as expected, but a few were 'just because' cards, or silly cards 'from' my dog, which was nice. And then there were a couple of "I'm sorry" cards - just two of them. I could go into a long, drawn out description of what happened each time, but suffice it to say - remembering what happened and what prompted those cards reminded me what it was like to be in a healthy relationship. I'd completely forgotten what it was like to be in a relationship with someone who could recognize when he was wrong, and apologize for it - and mean it. Not "I'm sorry" and then 2 days later do it again. Actually not. do it. again.

It was nice to go through all these cards and remember what that was like. I'm looking forward to experiencing that again