This past weekend was unbelievably difficult for me. Waldo and I have been getting closer and I like him...a tremendous amount. I feel like I'm 16 saying that, but honestly, I feel like I'm 16 anyway, getting a new chance at life and love. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? But it's how I feel, so it is what it is. As an aside, this blog seems to be exclusively about this kid. Sigh! Oh well. It's kind of about the lessons I'm learning, too, though! So that's good.
Anyway, I had a mild panic attack on Thursday night because I was suddenly overcome with this overwhelming fear that he would never care about me the way I care about him, that I was out on this limb all by myself that was about to crack, and there was nothing I could do to get off it but fall and fall and fall, hitting all the other branches on the way down until I finally landed on the rocks far below. It's scary, honestly, feeling this way about someone - the fear they won't fall, it can be overwhelming. It's a risk everyone takes whenever they love someone, but that doesn't make it any less scary.
And I started to retreat - the fear of him not falling for me the way I've fallen for him led me to try to pull away to protect my heart. Which isn't good. A wonderful friend of mine convinced me to talk to him about it - to be a grown up. As terrifying as it was, I was able to put my big girl pants on and talk to him about it. We had this wonderful talk, and it turns out that he is on the same page as I am. He is so patient, and so kind, and so willing to listen. Part of the reason it was so scary for me to even talk to him about what was going on was because in the past, opening up about my feelings has just led to fights. Mr. Texas wasn't equipped to support me emotionally, and so opening up and trusting always backfired on me, badly. I was terrified the same thing would happen here - and it didn't. It was a tremendous experience for me - it's hard, but he's helping me learn that there ARE people who are equipped to give me the emotional support I need, who are equipped to listen and who WANT to listen.
Last week he told me he feels fortunate that I decided to buy him, of all the guys in the bar, a drink. I don't think he realizes how fortunate I feel that something told me to buy him a drink. And that I feel even more fortunate that he came to talk to me after I disappeared into the ether.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Barely breathing
I am breathless, breathlessly anticipating the future. I'm scared and don't know what to think or expect when it comes to Waldo, but I do know that I adore him, want to know what I can do to make his life easier, want to share fireflies and snow and magic with him, to spin and breathe and dance and hug and hold and laugh and curl together, hand in hand, forever and ever amen. I don't know how he feels, I don't know where he is when it comes to me, I don't know if that will ever be a possibility, I'm scared to death because of those things but I know I want it and there's something liberating about saying that.
Monday, February 13, 2012
On Life in Limbo
Limbo is a scary place to be, relationship-wise. Exclusive but not 'together'. Committed but not. Serious but not. Are we or aren't we? What ARE we?
I know in a way a lot of this limbo is probably a result of where I am in terms of the divorce. Who's going to commit to a woman who is technically still married, especially when you've only known her for a few months, you're still getting to know her, and you don't really know if she'll actually go through with the divorce? On top of figuring out how you feel and how much of a risk you're willing to take (which is hard enough as it is), something like that really complicates things. It's frustrating, in a way, because really I'd like to just be DONE with Mr. Texas, once and for all, cut all ties with him and just forget about that part of my life.
All that to say...things with Waldo are going well, I think. I enjoy his company, we're spending more and more time together. I've met his family, he's met my friends (aka my local family), I'm meeting his friends this weekend, and he's meeting my parents in a few weeks - as my date to my best friend's wedding. He's...so patient. And kind. And understanding. And funny. And as difficult as it can be for me to do because it's so scary, I'm actually able to open up to him and talk to him about things that frighten me or ask him for things that I'm terrified will scare him away. In a way I'm learning how to take ownership in my stake in a relationship, which is great - and what a great guy to learn with. He's been amazing in all respects - like the other morning when I panicked and asked for open communication about his (female) best friend, he readily agreed. Or like the other night when I was suddenly reminded of something awful Mr. Texas had said and I needed to take a minute to go and collect myself - unexpectedly, he came over to hold me and comfort me. Or like this weekend, when I opened up about really wishing he could show the same enthusiasm about me that he shows for one of his favorite actresses....he understood, and started to act on it. And continues to do so.
He is sweet, and wonderful, and tries. And I want to try for him, too. I want to be sweet and wonderful for him. He inspires me to be...trusting, and comfortable, and open. I want to do the same for him. So while we're in limbo, I want to learn how to do that for him. I want to build on what we have. The other night he told me that he wants to be sure what he's feeling is real. I want to make sure what I'm feeling is real, too, because it seems...it feels almost too easy. It's confusing and scary, for sure - but...it feels easy, too. Whenever I just SAY what's on my mind, it's incredibly easy.
In a way, though, I'm kind of glad for the divorce. As much as I'd like to just be done with Mr. Texas and have no more ties to him, I'm somewhat glad for this hurdle we have. It's like it's forcing things to go slowly, so we can both make sure this is real, so we can learn about one another, so I can learn about myself and what I need. So limbo...as frustrating as you are, I appreciate you. I really do. I have no idea where this is heading, I have no idea what's going to meet me on the other side of this, but I'm looking forward to it.
I know in a way a lot of this limbo is probably a result of where I am in terms of the divorce. Who's going to commit to a woman who is technically still married, especially when you've only known her for a few months, you're still getting to know her, and you don't really know if she'll actually go through with the divorce? On top of figuring out how you feel and how much of a risk you're willing to take (which is hard enough as it is), something like that really complicates things. It's frustrating, in a way, because really I'd like to just be DONE with Mr. Texas, once and for all, cut all ties with him and just forget about that part of my life.
All that to say...things with Waldo are going well, I think. I enjoy his company, we're spending more and more time together. I've met his family, he's met my friends (aka my local family), I'm meeting his friends this weekend, and he's meeting my parents in a few weeks - as my date to my best friend's wedding. He's...so patient. And kind. And understanding. And funny. And as difficult as it can be for me to do because it's so scary, I'm actually able to open up to him and talk to him about things that frighten me or ask him for things that I'm terrified will scare him away. In a way I'm learning how to take ownership in my stake in a relationship, which is great - and what a great guy to learn with. He's been amazing in all respects - like the other morning when I panicked and asked for open communication about his (female) best friend, he readily agreed. Or like the other night when I was suddenly reminded of something awful Mr. Texas had said and I needed to take a minute to go and collect myself - unexpectedly, he came over to hold me and comfort me. Or like this weekend, when I opened up about really wishing he could show the same enthusiasm about me that he shows for one of his favorite actresses....he understood, and started to act on it. And continues to do so.
He is sweet, and wonderful, and tries. And I want to try for him, too. I want to be sweet and wonderful for him. He inspires me to be...trusting, and comfortable, and open. I want to do the same for him. So while we're in limbo, I want to learn how to do that for him. I want to build on what we have. The other night he told me that he wants to be sure what he's feeling is real. I want to make sure what I'm feeling is real, too, because it seems...it feels almost too easy. It's confusing and scary, for sure - but...it feels easy, too. Whenever I just SAY what's on my mind, it's incredibly easy.
In a way, though, I'm kind of glad for the divorce. As much as I'd like to just be done with Mr. Texas and have no more ties to him, I'm somewhat glad for this hurdle we have. It's like it's forcing things to go slowly, so we can both make sure this is real, so we can learn about one another, so I can learn about myself and what I need. So limbo...as frustrating as you are, I appreciate you. I really do. I have no idea where this is heading, I have no idea what's going to meet me on the other side of this, but I'm looking forward to it.
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