On Fear and Falling

One of things I'm learning to do in this process is to step back and breathe. I tend to get all up in arms about things, overthink them, let them get to me until I can hardly breathe and I can't see past my own, crazed thoughts. With the help of my therapist and my wonderful friends, I'm learning to recognize when I start doing that, and how to just...stop and be rational. Waldo is not Mr. Texas. He has done nothing to make me mistrust him. In fact, he has done quite the opposite. I can...trust. Just trust. I know that part of the reason I start overthinking things is because I got so, so used to never being able to trust anything Mr. Texas said or did. As someone who naturally overthinks things, the things he put me through trained me to jump to conclusions automatically (conclusions that were unfortunately always right, when it came to him). With Waldo...there is no need for that. And there is something about him that simply inspires me to work on this. I could fall back into the cycle and drive myself crazy, but I recognize that with him, it would drive him away. I don't want to drive him away. To the contrary, I want to keep him. And so, I work hard to make sure I approach this with a healthy, trusting attitude.

It's been an exercise in self control, certainly. Already I feel healthier for it, though. It's wonderful. Scary, but wonderful. Just like with any leap of faith. And that's all this is, right? A leap of faith into the unknown, trusting that the universe has great things in store for me. The greater the risk, the greater the reward, and while I'm terrified, I'm ready. I'm ready to fall. It's really scary, actually, because what I'm most afraid of is being hurt again - that he won't fall too. But...that's part of it, isn't it?

On growing pains

I had my fourth date with Waldo yesterday, and it was nothing short of amazing. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it was. We didn't do anything fancy - we'd planned a low-key movie marathon at my house - 2 of my favorites, 2 of his, and 1 we both liked. The time was spent curled up on the couch, limbs tangled up, laughing at stupid things in the movies (or, more often, our commentary as to the movies), kissing, listening to his heartbeat. We had this great energy, and it felt so, so good to laugh like that. It's been ages since I've laughed freely with someone like that.

So, I began today with this feeling of lightness, and I end it with a feeling of heaviness. A mutual friend learned that my soon-to-be-ex husband chose Nowhereseville, Texas (as opposed to a suburb nearby so 'we could work on our relationship') specifically because for months he'd been speaking to someone from his hometown who had moved out there, and they were going to shack up. I'm not crying over him anymore, thank god. But I'm...sad. It's re-opened the wound of the night he told me he'd been cheating on me, the night that put this all on fast-forward. I shouldn't be surprised; of course he was actually cheating on me. Everything else in our relationship was a lie; why wouldn't he be cheating on me, too? Because despite all he had with me - the successful, intelligent, funny, beautiful woman...it wasn't enough for him. I won't devolve into attacking him, but I will say this: he should seriously take a hard look at himself. Truly, karma will come back to haunt him, and then he will get everything he deserves.

But no matter. It's his loss, truly. Someone else's gain. And certainly my gain - because as much as it hurts, it's the good kind of hurt. I'm growing stronger, realizing my own self worth and realizing that I DID deserve better than him. I DO deserve better than him.