A beginning.

I've started this blog because I'm at an emotional crossroads, and I need to start writing it out. I've kept a private journal for years, but find that it no longer satisfies my desire to write and be heard. I need an outlet, albeit an anonymous one. I've always been a private person because I'm afraid people won't be interested in what I have to say, but this private part of me is in sharp conflict with the part of me that has so many things to say, so many words swirling in my mind, that I just want to have heard by someone - anyone, without fear that I'm pushing someone away because my thoughts are too much to handle.

So, here I am. I'm a young woman in her late twenties. I suffer from depression, and have had an eating disorder for the last 16 years. I'm a practicing attorney, doing things that I am firmly convinced are chipping away at the moral fiber of the world one small piece at a time, and it's something I'm desperately trying to get out of while still keeping up with my financial responsibilities. I've been married a little over a year to a man that I've recently realized is the wrong man for me. We've been in counseling for 4 months, and part of that counseling has led to seek individual therapy for my own problems. Much of my crossroads comes from dealing with the recent realization that my husband is not only not the man I thought he was, but not the right person for me at all; part of it also comes with getting back in touch with who I am and trying to get a hold of my personal truth.

That's me in broad strokes. I ramble a lot (if you can't tell). I'm not going to promise to be happy and upbeat and cheerful all the time, because above all else, that's just not me anymore. I'm struggling to keep my head above water right now, and at least for the foreseeable future, there's going to be a lot more darkness than there is sunlight. I'm hoping I'll come out on the other end, renewed, chains of depression cast off. The name of this blog is a reference to Sylvia Plath's "Lady Lazarus" - I hope that one day, instead of dying over and over again like I have for the last few years, I can just rise from the ashes, re-born. Sort of like a reference to another of my favorite poems, by ee cummings: "this is the birth / day of life and love and wings."

So, this is my story.