One of things I'm learning to do in this process is to step back and breathe. I tend to get all up in arms about things, overthink them, let them get to me until I can hardly breathe and I can't see past my own, crazed thoughts. With the help of my therapist and my wonderful friends, I'm learning to recognize when I start doing that, and how to just...stop and be rational. Waldo is not Mr. Texas. He has done nothing to make me mistrust him. In fact, he has done quite the opposite. I can...trust. Just trust. I know that part of the reason I start overthinking things is because I got so, so used to never being able to trust anything Mr. Texas said or did. As someone who naturally overthinks things, the things he put me through trained me to jump to conclusions automatically (conclusions that were unfortunately always right, when it came to him). With Waldo...there is no need for that. And there is something about him that simply inspires me to work on this. I could fall back into the cycle and drive myself crazy, but I recognize that with him, it would drive him away. I don't want to drive him away. To the contrary, I want to keep him. And so, I work hard to make sure I approach this with a healthy, trusting attitude.
It's been an exercise in self control, certainly. Already I feel healthier for it, though. It's wonderful. Scary, but wonderful. Just like with any leap of faith. And that's all this is, right? A leap of faith into the unknown, trusting that the universe has great things in store for me. The greater the risk, the greater the reward, and while I'm terrified, I'm ready. I'm ready to fall. It's really scary, actually, because what I'm most afraid of is being hurt again - that he won't fall too. But...that's part of it, isn't it?
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